just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
