I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
I should be sponsored by Trojan
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
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