wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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