I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
