i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Randomize