Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
