Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
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