soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Randomize