You can't motorboat a personality
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
