I wanna passion pit in your ass
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Randomize
