Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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