Is it normal to miss your booty call?
Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Randomize
