when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Randomize
