If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
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