I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
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