wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Randomize