sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
