He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
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