what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize