new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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