He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
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