I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Randomize