I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Randomize
