Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
