I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
well you can't waste a boner
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
