maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
Randomize
