So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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