I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Randomize
