Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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