Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Randomize
