Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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