drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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