What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
