did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize
