Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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