I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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