I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Randomize
