my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
