even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
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