One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Randomize
