I'm laying in your front yard are you home
the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
