No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
