How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
