if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
