The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize