Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
Randomize
