I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
