i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize