Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
