Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
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