I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Randomize
