She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize
