Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
