Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
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