i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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