the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
