Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
Randomize
