After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
