I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
