I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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